Samara Adopts Scrum, Replaces “7 Days” Curse With a Backlog of “8 Points” and a Biweekly Demo of Your Doom
In a bold pivot from vintage, analog terror to modern, process-driven misery, Samara Morgan—the long-haired, well-documented ring-emergence specialist—has officially adopted Scrum, sources confirm. The move replaces her iconic “seven days” phone call curse with a more contemporary notification: “You have 8 points in my sprint.”
The cursed VHS tape, long considered an industry standard for low-fidelity supernatural harm, has also been upgraded. Viewers now report the tape has been reformatted into a “Minimum Viable Haunting” (MVH), delivered via a secure streaming link that expires after a planning session and a brief argument about whether fear should be estimated in Fibonacci.
“I watched the tape and my phone rang,” said local resident and newly appointed Product Owner of his own demise, Kyle W., still trembling. “I answered, bracing for the classic line. Instead I heard: ‘We’ve groomed you into the next sprint. Please confirm you can commit.’ Then there was a calendar invite titled Stakeholder Alignment: Your Final Hours.”
From Cursed Countdown to Agile Ambiguity
The original curse was admired for its simplicity: watch the tape, receive the call, perish in exactly seven days. It was clean. It was linear. It was, in retrospect, a luxury.
Under Scrum, however, Samara’s timelines are now “flexible,” “iterative,” and “subject to reprioritization based on stakeholder feedback and resource constraints.”
“Seven days created unrealistic expectations,” said Samara in a statement delivered through a foggy mirror and a Jira comment. “I’m committed to continuous improvement. Also, I need a safe space to surface blockers like ‘well lid is heavy’ and ‘unresolved childhood rage.’”
Experts say the change reflects a wider trend in the haunting economy: spirits abandoning rigid waterfall curses in favor of agile frameworks that allow for incremental value delivery—particularly value measured in panic, regret, and sudden cardiac failure.
“Samara’s brand has always been about disruption,” noted paranormal industry analyst Dr. Karen Blithe, author of The Lean Poltergeist. “Scrum enables her to ship terror in smaller batches, test and learn, and, crucially, hold you accountable for velocity.”
The New Call: Less Threat, More Project Management
Victims—now officially referred to as “cross-functional participants”—describe the updated call as less of a chilling prophecy and more of a performance review that ends with the sound of wet hair crawling across carpet.
The call reportedly goes something like this:
“You have 8 points in my sprint. We’ll circle back after stand-up. Please come prepared to discuss your dependencies and whether you can take on additional haunting.”
Those who attempt to negotiate are met with the kind of corporate calm that can only come from an entity who has died, returned, and learned to love ceremonies.
“I tried to plead,” said Megan L., who watched the tape at a party because she “thought it was retro.” “She asked me to keep my comments ‘time-boxed’ and to save emotional feedback for the retro. Then she put a parking lot item labeled ‘my screams.’”
Daily Stand-Up, Now Featuring a Well
In Samara’s first sprint, the stand-up ceremony has been moved from the traditional team circle to a more thematic location: the well. Participants are expected to answer three questions:
What did you do yesterday to move the haunting forward?
What will you do today to increase dread?
Are any blockers preventing you from being dragged into the television?
Witnesses say Samara is a strict facilitator, insisting everyone “stay on topic” and “avoid deep dives,” an unfortunate phrase given her preferred aesthetic.
“She actually said, ‘Let’s not go down a rabbit hole,’” Kyle recalled. “We were literally at a well. It felt targeted.”
Sprint Planning: The Scariest Meeting Because It Could’ve Been an Email (But Wasn’t)
Sprint Planning is now a key component of the curse. Those marked by the tape must attend a two-hour session in which Samara and her team (one silent crow, an inexplicably damp VHS player, and a business analyst who looks like a reflection of yourself at your worst) agree on a sprint goal.
The current sprint goal, according to leaked notes, is:
“Deliver a potentially shippable increment of irreversible psychological damage, while maintaining sustainable pace.”
The backlog includes items such as:
As a victim, I want to experience creeping dread so that I can reconsider my life choices. (5 points)
As Samara, I want to crawl out of the TV in under 30 seconds so that I can increase user engagement. (3 points)
As a cursed participant, I want to identify an alternative viewer so that I can reduce my personal risk. (Spike)
Notably, the “find someone else to show the tape to” practice has been reclassified from “desperate survival tactic” to “community-driven scaling initiative.”
The Burndown Chart Is Just a Heart Monitor
Samara’s team has introduced metrics to “improve predictability,” including a burndown chart that, according to one screenshot, is simply a jagged line labeled “Remaining Hope” trending sharply toward zero.
In a particularly unsettling touch, the chart updates in real time based on victims’ cortisol levels. When asked whether this violates privacy laws, Samara responded by creating a Confluence page titled Compliance Considerations (Won’t Fix).
“She’s very data-driven now,” said Dr. Blithe. “Before, the curse was about inevitability. Now it’s about cadence.”
Demo Day: Stakeholders Review Your Fear and Request Changes
At the end of each sprint, Samara hosts a Sprint Review—also known as “the demo”—where she presents completed work to key stakeholders, including:
the static-filled television,
the well (as a subject matter expert),
the horse that always senses the paranormal first,
and your own mother, who “just wants you to be more proactive.”
During the review, stakeholders may request additional features, such as:
more ominous whispering,
increased crawling velocity,
or “a less wet look, more of a damp chic.”
“Samara showed us a new animation where her hair parts slightly to reveal one eye,” said Megan. “The stakeholders asked for ‘more eye contact’ and she logged it as a stretch goal.”
The Retro: “What Went Well, What Didn’t, What We’ll Try Next Time (With Your Body)”
Perhaps most controversial is the Sprint Retrospective, during which Samara invites feedback on the haunting process.
“We encouraged psychological safety,” Samara wrote in meeting notes scrawled on the inside of a TV screen. “Kyle shared that the cold spots were effective. Megan suggested we reduce jump scares and focus on sustained dread. Action item: experiment with dread.”
Participants say dissent is welcomed—then quietly tracked.
“I said the sprint felt too intense,” Kyle admitted. “She thanked me for my candor and asked me to ‘take that offline.’ Then the lights went out and I heard typing.”
Agile Coaches Applaud the Shift, Residents Quietly Miss Being Simply Killed
The agile community has responded with cautious optimism, praising Samara’s “commitment to collaboration” and “strong ownership of deliverables.”
“This is a mature evolution,” said one certified Scrum Master who asked not to be named because his certification lapsed. “She’s moved from a fixed deadline to a sustainable rhythm of terror. It’s healthier.”
Residents, however, have mixed feelings.
“At least with seven days, you knew where you stood,” said Megan. “Now I’m blocked because I can’t find time in my calendar between ‘Prepare Stand-Up’ and ‘Existential Panic Refinement Session.’”
Kyle agreed. “I’m not even sure I’m dying next week. She said it depends on capacity and whether my fear can be broken down into smaller tickets.”
Coming Soon: SAFe Samara and the Quarterly Program Increment of Pain
Insiders claim Samara is already exploring “enterprise scaling,” including a possible rollout of SAFe (Scaled Agile Framework) to support multiple parallel hauntings.
Under the proposed model, victims would be organized into Agile Release Trains, with a dedicated Release Train Engineer responsible for ensuring Samara emerges from televisions “on schedule” and “with alignment across teams.”
A roadmap presentation—described by one attendee as “mostly screaming, but in PowerPoint”—reportedly included the following quarterly objectives:
Improve cross-team collaboration between wells, tapes, and mirrors
Reduce cycle time from viewing to doom
Increase stakeholder value through omnichannel haunting
“We are on a journey,” Samara concluded in the deck. “Also, you are out of story points.”
What You Can Do If You’ve Been Added to the Sprint
Authorities recommend the following steps if you receive a call stating you have “8 points in Samara’s sprint”:
Do not accept the calendar invite. It will auto-accept anyway.
Avoid asking for extensions. Samara will schedule a follow-up meeting titled Scope Negotiation (Mandatory).
Do not attempt to reduce the story points. Samara will insist they are “relative,” then demonstrate relativity by crawling through your screen at varying speeds.
If possible, show the tape to someone else. This has been rebranded as “delegation,” and Samara respects leadership behaviors.
As for Samara herself, she remains optimistic about the transition.
“I used to say ‘seven days,’” she wrote in a final update posted to the team channel at 3:07 a.m. “But now we work in increments. We inspect and adapt. And we deliver.”
She paused, then added:
“Stand-up in ten. Cameras on.”