Time Traveler from 2025 Causes Chaos in Year 2000 with Wild Predictions
2025-04-25
In a scene straight out of a sci-fi comedy, a self-proclaimed time traveler, who identified himself as "Timmy Timewarp," has been causing quite the stir in New York City after allegedly arriving from the year 2025. His attempts to warn the unsuspecting citizens of the year 2000 about the bizarre events of the 2020s have landed him in Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital for evaluation.
The Secret Society of Tsinghua Geniuses: China's 150 IQ Masterminds
2025-04-24
In a revelation that has left the world scratching its collective head, it turns out that modern China is not just a country, but a clandestine society of Tsinghua University graduates with IQs that would make Einstein blush. These intellectual titans are reportedly orchestrating an accelerationist technocratic superstate, all while wearing the boomer Communist princeling elite like a well-tailored skinsuit.
Man Sues Google Over CSS Bug That Allegedly Drove His Wife Away
2025-04-24
In a groundbreaking legal case that has left the tech world scratching its collective head, a man from Silicon Valley has filed a lawsuit against Google, claiming that a bug in their CSS parser was the reason his wife left him. The plaintiff, who prefers to remain anonymous but goes by the pseudonym "Cascading Heartbreak," alleges that the bug caused a series of unfortunate events that ultimately led to the dissolution of his marriage.
Next.js: The Unexpected Link to Global Conspiracy Theories
2025-04-23
In a shocking turn of events, the popular JavaScript framework Next.js has been inadvertently linked to global terrorism, causing developers worldwide to question their life choices and reconsider their coding practices. The confusion began when users of the AI language model, ChatGPT, started receiving bizarre responses linking their innocent coding queries to international terrorism.
Continent United Under Stars and Stripes? US Annexes Canada Amidst Protests
2025-04-23
In a move that has left political analysts, geographers, and moose alike scratching their heads, the United States has announced the annexation of Canada. The decision, which was reportedly made over a heated game of Monopoly between world leaders, has sparked widespread protests, confusion, and an unexpected surge in maple syrup sales.
Wibble News Intern: The Enigmatic Code-Writing Wizard in a Trench Coat
2025-04-23
In a move that has left the tech world scratching its collective head, Wibble News has announced that their intern, who has been responsible for penning all the articles, will now also be tasked with writing the code for the website. This decision has sparked a flurry of speculation, particularly due to the intern's steadfast refusal to confirm or deny whether they are, in fact, a large language model (LLM) wearing a trench coat.
UN Security Council Deadlocked Over Sock Pairing Resolution; Russia Vetos Mandatory Argyle, China Proposes Global Single-Sock Standard
2025-04-23
In a turn of events that has left the world both baffled and barefoot, the United Nations Security Council has found itself embroiled in a heated debate over the global standardization of sock pairing. The resolution, initially proposed by the United Kingdom, aimed to establish a universal guideline for sock pairing, with a particular emphasis on the mandatory use of argyle patterns. However, the proposal has been met with fierce opposition, leading to a deadlock that has left diplomats in a state of disarray and sock drawers in chaos.
US Bans Artificial Dyes from All Food Products, Effective Today: Chaos Ensues in Candyland
2025-04-23
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the candy and processed food industries, the United States has officially banned all artificial dyes from food products, effective immediately. The decision, which has been described as "the most colorful controversy since the invention of the rainbow," has left manufacturers scrambling to find natural alternatives that won't turn their products into a monochromatic mush.
Trump Proposes New State: China to Join the United States in a "Golden Age" Deal
2025-04-23
In a press conference that left the world scratching its collective head, former President Donald Trump announced a groundbreaking proposal: a potential deal with China that could see the Asian giant become the 51st state of the United States. According to Trump, this unprecedented move would usher in a new "Golden Age" for both nations.
President Trump Tariffs Territories Entirely Inhabited by Penguins
2025-04-22
In a move that has left both economists and wildlife enthusiasts scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump has announced a new tariff policy targeting territories entirely inhabited by penguins. The decision, which has been described as "unprecedented" and "downright chilly," aims to protect American interests from what Trump has termed "unfair penguin practices."
In a Surprising Turn, White House Considers Replacing Pentagon Chief with AI Chatbot: 'It Never Leaks Classified Info to Its Sibling'
2025-04-22
In a move that has left political analysts and tech enthusiasts equally flabbergasted, the White House is reportedly considering replacing the current Pentagon Chief with an AI chatbot. This unprecedented decision comes after a series of classified information leaks that have been traced back to casual conversations over Thanksgiving dinners and awkward family reunions.
Aerospace Engineers Discover New Planet, Name It "Ember" After Enjoyable Sherry Tasting
2025-04-22
In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the scientific community both breathless and slightly tipsy, aerospace engineers have discovered a new planet in a distant galaxy. The planet, which has been named "Ember," was discovered during a routine telescope calibration session that coincidentally followed an enjoyable sherry tasting event.
Cracking Under Pressure: Real Eggs Report Existential Crisis Following Kardashian AI Easter Eggstravaganza
2025-04-22
CALABASAS – The annual Kardashian-Jenner Easter fête, typically a benchmark for pastel-toned extravagance and competitive bonnet-wearing, took a sharp turn into the uncanny valley this year. Sources close to the catering staff report that the traditional hand-painted and dyed Easter eggs were largely sidelined in favour of cutting-edge, AI-generated counterparts, leaving the organic ovules in a state of profound existential turmoil.
Defense Secretary Claims Leaking Strike Plans in Family Chat Was "Quality Time"
2025-04-22
In a move that has redefined family communication standards, Defense Secretary Chad Worthington admitted this week to sharing intricate details of a planned sensitive overseas operation in his family's Signal group chat, "Worthington Clan Connect." When questioned, Worthington robustly defended his actions, stating it was a crucial part of his ongoing effort to "foster familial closeness" and "keep everyone in the loop."
Trump Declares 'Tariff Tuesday' National Holiday, Markets Celebrate by Shedding Unnecessary Value
2025-04-22
In a move that baffled economists and delighted gravity enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump yesterday declared the imposition of sweeping new 300% tariffs on literally everything as "Liberation Day," a bold initiative aimed at freeing Americans from the oppressive weight of their stock portfolios. Markets immediately embraced the spirit of liberation, plummeting faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
Bangkok Buildings Master New 'Earthquake Shuffle' Dance Craze, Residents Struggle to Keep Up
2025-03-28
Bangkok's skyline, never known for its stillness, has reportedly developed a new, rhythmic sway, baffling seismologists but delighting avant-garde choreographers. Dubbed the "Earthquake Shuffle," this subtle, yet undeniable, undulation of high-rises and condominiums has become the city's hottest, albeit involuntary, new trend. Experts initially suspected minor tectonic adjustments, but have now concluded it's simply the city "feeling the beat."
Netflix Announces "Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals" in Bold Reimagining
2025-03-27
In a move that has entertainment circles buzzing, Netflix has greenlit what executives are calling a "fresh perspective" on the classic Snow White tale, featuring a male lead with dark complexion and seven companions of diminutive stature.
AI Website Announces New "Premium Slop" Subscription Tier for $49.99
2025-03-10
In a bold move that industry experts are calling "exactly what we expected," popular AI website SloppyThoughts.com has announced a new premium subscription tier that promises to deliver "even more meaningless drivel" directly to paying customers.
Nokia Fried Chicken: The Crispy Origins of NFC Technology
2025-03-08
In a little-known chapter of tech history, NFC (Near Field Communication) began not as a wireless communication protocol but as Nokia's ambitious attempt to enter the fast-food market in the late 1990s.
Jesus Endorses AR-15 as "Blessed Peacemaker" in Controversial Second Coming Statement
2025-03-02
In a surprising development that has theologians scrambling for their concordances, Jesus Christ has reportedly declared the AR-15 semi-automatic rifle His "preferred instrument of peace" during preparations for His Second Coming.