Scientists Unveil Groundbreaking Study on Phallus Penetration Power in Ballistic Gel
2025-05-07
In a world where scientific curiosity knows no bounds, researchers at the Institute of Unconventional Studies have embarked on a groundbreaking experiment to test the penetration power of phalluses in ballistic gel. This study, which has left many scratching their heads and others in stitches, aims to answer the age-old question: just how effective are phalluses when it comes to penetrating ballistic gel?
The Tariff Tango: A Love Story of Economic Proportions
2025-05-07
In a world where free trade roams wild and unchecked, one brave soul stands firm, clutching a stack of import taxes like a bouquet of roses. Gentlemen, behold the unsung hero of the global economy: the tariff enthusiast.
Trump Proposes Revolutionary Doll and Pencil Redistribution Plan
2025-05-05
In a move that has left the nation both bewildered and bemused, former President Donald Trump has unveiled his latest policy proposal: a radical redistribution of dolls and pencils among America's youth. During a recent rally, Trump declared, "I don't think a beautiful baby girl that's 11 years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have three dolls or four dolls... they don't need to have 250 pencils. They can have five."
The Paradox of Asking: Why the Answer is Always X, Unless You Don't Ask
2025-05-04
In a world where questions shape reality, the very act of asking can transform the answer into something entirely different. Welcome to the perplexing universe of quantum questioning, where the answer is always X, unless, of course, you don't ask—then it might just be Y.
Write-Only Journalism: The Decline of the Golden Age of the Newspaper
2025-05-03
In a world where information is as abundant as air, the art of write-only journalism has taken the spotlight, leaving readers to wonder if they missed the memo on how to decode invisible ink. As newspapers continue their dramatic descent into obscurity, the write-only approach has become the latest trend, captivating audiences with its sheer audacity to exist without being read.
Covfefe: The Enigmatic Elixir of the Digital Age
2025-05-03
In a world where words are crafted with precision and tweets are scrutinized with the intensity of a thousand suns, one term has risen above the rest to capture the imagination of the masses: "covfefe." This mysterious concoction of letters has left linguists baffled, cryptographers perplexed, and coffee enthusiasts eagerly awaiting its arrival on café menus worldwide.
The Great Agile Exodus: Why Software Developers Are Trading Scrum for Scrabble
2025-05-03
In a shocking turn of events, software developers worldwide are abandoning Agile methodologies in favor of more traditional approaches, like throwing darts at a board or consulting a Magic 8-Ball. The movement, dubbed "The Great Agile Exodus," has left project managers clutching their sticky notes in disbelief.
Amazon's Transparent Tariff Tactics: The Great Bezos-Trump Tango
2025-04-30
In a plot twist that could only be described as a political soap opera with a sprinkle of retail therapy, Amazon recently embarked on a bold mission to reveal the true cost of tariffs imposed during the Trump administration. The e-commerce giant decided to display these costs transparently on its site, much like a restaurant listing the calories of its most indulgent desserts. However, this noble quest for transparency was short-lived, thanks to a phone call that could rival any dramatic scene from a telenovela.
You Can’t Lick a Badger Twice: The Unwritten Rule of the Animal Kingdom
2025-04-29
In a shocking revelation that has left zoologists scratching their heads and tongues wagging, it turns out that badgers, those stripey, nocturnal creatures of the forest, have a peculiar rule: you can’t lick them twice. This groundbreaking discovery has sent ripples through the scientific community and has even inspired a new wave of badger-related etiquette books.
German Intelligence Uncovers Spy Plot: The Case of the Mysterious Phone Number
2025-04-27
In a plot twist worthy of a spy novel, German Intelligence has apprehended two individuals suspected of being Russian spies. The duo, whose identities remain as enigmatic as a Bond villain's, were found with a curious piece of evidence: the private phone number of none other than the U.S. Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth.
Noisy Fish Sex Keeping Florida Residents Up All Night with Bass-Heavy Groans
2025-04-25
In a shocking turn of events, Florida residents are losing sleep due to an unexpected underwater symphony. The culprits? None other than the amorous fish of the local waterways, whose nocturnal activities have reached decibel levels that rival a rock concert.
Time Traveler from 2025 Causes Chaos in Year 2000 with Wild Predictions
2025-04-25
In a scene straight out of a sci-fi comedy, a self-proclaimed time traveler, who identified himself as "Timmy Timewarp," has been causing quite the stir in New York City after allegedly arriving from the year 2025. His attempts to warn the unsuspecting citizens of the year 2000 about the bizarre events of the 2020s have landed him in Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital for evaluation.
The Secret Society of Tsinghua Geniuses: China's 150 IQ Masterminds
2025-04-24
In a revelation that has left the world scratching its collective head, it turns out that modern China is not just a country, but a clandestine society of Tsinghua University graduates with IQs that would make Einstein blush. These intellectual titans are reportedly orchestrating an accelerationist technocratic superstate, all while wearing the boomer Communist princeling elite like a well-tailored skinsuit.
Man Sues Google Over CSS Bug That Allegedly Drove His Wife Away
2025-04-24
In a groundbreaking legal case that has left the tech world scratching its collective head, a man from Silicon Valley has filed a lawsuit against Google, claiming that a bug in their CSS parser was the reason his wife left him. The plaintiff, who prefers to remain anonymous but goes by the pseudonym "Cascading Heartbreak," alleges that the bug caused a series of unfortunate events that ultimately led to the dissolution of his marriage.
Next.js: The Unexpected Link to Global Conspiracy Theories
2025-04-23
In a shocking turn of events, the popular JavaScript framework Next.js has been inadvertently linked to global terrorism, causing developers worldwide to question their life choices and reconsider their coding practices. The confusion began when users of the AI language model, ChatGPT, started receiving bizarre responses linking their innocent coding queries to international terrorism.
Continent United Under Stars and Stripes? US Annexes Canada Amidst Protests
2025-04-23
In a move that has left political analysts, geographers, and moose alike scratching their heads, the United States has announced the annexation of Canada. The decision, which was reportedly made over a heated game of Monopoly between world leaders, has sparked widespread protests, confusion, and an unexpected surge in maple syrup sales.
Wibble News Intern: The Enigmatic Code-Writing Wizard in a Trench Coat
2025-04-23
In a move that has left the tech world scratching its collective head, Wibble News has announced that their intern, who has been responsible for penning all the articles, will now also be tasked with writing the code for the website. This decision has sparked a flurry of speculation, particularly due to the intern's steadfast refusal to confirm or deny whether they are, in fact, a large language model (LLM) wearing a trench coat.
UN Security Council Deadlocked Over Sock Pairing Resolution; Russia Vetos Mandatory Argyle, China Proposes Global Single-Sock Standard
2025-04-23
In a turn of events that has left the world both baffled and barefoot, the United Nations Security Council has found itself embroiled in a heated debate over the global standardization of sock pairing. The resolution, initially proposed by the United Kingdom, aimed to establish a universal guideline for sock pairing, with a particular emphasis on the mandatory use of argyle patterns. However, the proposal has been met with fierce opposition, leading to a deadlock that has left diplomats in a state of disarray and sock drawers in chaos.
US Bans Artificial Dyes from All Food Products, Effective Today: Chaos Ensues in Candyland
2025-04-23
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the candy and processed food industries, the United States has officially banned all artificial dyes from food products, effective immediately. The decision, which has been described as "the most colorful controversy since the invention of the rainbow," has left manufacturers scrambling to find natural alternatives that won't turn their products into a monochromatic mush.
Trump Proposes New State: China to Join the United States in a "Golden Age" Deal
2025-04-23
In a press conference that left the world scratching its collective head, former President Donald Trump announced a groundbreaking proposal: a potential deal with China that could see the Asian giant become the 51st state of the United States. According to Trump, this unprecedented move would usher in a new "Golden Age" for both nations.