Scientists Confirm “Water Is Wet,” Society Immediately Collapses Into Moist Debate
By The Wibble Science Desk
Dateline: Somewhere damp
In a stunning development that experts are calling “deeply unsurprising” and citizens are calling “an attack on their personal truth,” an international consortium of scientists has confirmed that water is, in fact, wet—a discovery that has already sent shockwaves through academia, social media, and several poorly ventilated basements.
The announcement, delivered at a hastily arranged press conference held in a room that was inexplicably humid, has reignited one of humanity’s oldest and least productive debates: whether water itself is wet, or merely makes other things wet, and whether anyone involved has hobbies.
“This is the kind of breakthrough that comes along once in a generation,” said Professor Lena Dribbleton of the Institute for Applied Obviousness, adjusting her glasses with hands that were—according to eyewitnesses—“pretty damp.” “We have tested water in liquid form, water in a glass, water in a puddle, water in a pool, and water that splashed us directly in the face when we leaned in too close. The results were consistent: it behaved wetly.”
The Study: A Landmark in Moisture-Based Research
The study, published in the prestigious journal Annals of Stuff Everyone Knows, involved a rigorous, multi-phase methodology:
Phase One: Touching water.
Phase Two: Touching water again, but this time with more confidence.
Phase Three: Asking a philosopher, who immediately complicated everything.
In the most dramatic portion of the experiment, researchers placed a drop of water on a surface and observed that it spread, clung, and made the surface feel like it had been visited by water—hallmarks of what the scientific community technically refers to as “wetness vibes.”
The team also confirmed that water can be wet in multiple contexts, including but not limited to:
Being on your clothes five minutes after you’ve decided to go outside without a jacket.
Existing in your socks, which experts described as “evil wet.”
Appearing on bathroom floors in a way that suggests ghosts or roommates.
The Opposition: “Water Isn’t Wet, It’s Just Water”
Not everyone is accepting the findings. Within minutes of the announcement, a counter-movement formed online under the banner #WaterIsNotWet, arguing that water is the source of wetness and therefore cannot itself be wet.
“Water makes things wet,” said local man and part-time contrarian Darren P. “Wetness is a condition that water applies. Water is like a CEO. The CEO doesn’t do the work. The CEO creates the environment where work happens.”
This argument was immediately endorsed by several people who haven’t been invited to a party in years.
A spokesperson for the Anti-Wet Water Coalition insisted that “wet” is a relational property requiring a surface, and therefore “a molecule of water can’t be wet because it’s just vibing.”
Scientists responded by asking the spokesperson to please stop saying “vibing” in official correspondence.
Government Responds With Emergency Legislation
In response to growing unrest, lawmakers convened an emergency session to address what one senator called “the moisture situation.”
A draft bill titled the Wet Water Clarification and National Dampness Preparedness Act proposes:
Mandatory labeling on all beverages: “Warning: Contains wet.”
A federal task force to investigate “suspicious dryness.”
A 14-day cooling-off period before anyone is allowed to comment “Actually…” on posts about wetness.
“We can’t allow the country to be divided by hydration semantics,” said one representative, moments before attempting to shake hands with a journalist and recoiling upon remembering hands can also be wet.
Big Towel Issues Statement, Stock Surges
Major towel manufacturers were quick to seize the moment.
“We’ve been saying water is wet for decades,” said a spokesperson for Big Towel, standing in front of a wall of aggressively fluffy products. “If water weren’t wet, what would we even be drying? Air? Feelings? This confirms everything our industry stands for.”
Shares in several towel companies rose sharply, alongside related sectors including:
bath mats
dehumidifiers
those little silica gel packets nobody eats but everybody considers eating once
One analyst described it as “the strongest moisture-driven market since that time everyone panic-bought hand soap.”
Philosophers Reportedly Thrilled to Be Needed Again
The wetness debate has also reinvigorated philosophy departments worldwide, which have experienced a sudden and unfamiliar sensation: relevance.
“This is exactly the sort of question that reminds people why philosophy exists,” said Dr. Harriet Soggs, lecturer in metaphysical stickiness. “If water is wet, then what is wetness? Is it a property, a sensation, a social construct, or just the universe’s way of keeping fabric interesting?”
When asked for a direct answer, Dr. Soggs stared into the middle distance and said, “We must first define ‘is.’”
A nearby physicist audibly sighed and walked into the sea.
Local Communities Split: “Wet” Signs Appear Overnight
Across neighborhoods, residents have begun picking sides.
On one street, a homeowner erected a yard sign reading:
WATER IS WET AND THAT’S FINAL
Across the road, a rival sign appeared within hours:
WATER MAKES THINGS WET, EDUCATE YOURSELF
The feud escalated when one household turned on a lawn sprinkler “purely for rhetorical emphasis.”
Police arrived but left immediately after becoming involved in a second, unrelated argument about whether the sprinkler itself was wet or merely “sprinkler-adjacent.”
Children Unbothered, Continue Pouring Water on Everything
In a twist that experts say “tells you everything you need to know about humanity,” children remain unconcerned with the debate, continuing to treat water as an all-purpose substance for:
splashing
spilling
making mud
mysteriously relocating from cup to floor
“We asked our son if water is wet,” said one exhausted parent. “He said, ‘It’s water,’ and then threw it at the dog. So I guess the youth are moving past this.”
The dog, meanwhile, declined to comment, but appeared damp and offended.
What Happens Next: A Wetter Future
The scientific community has warned that the water wetness controversy could pave the way for even more destabilizing revelations, including:
fire is hot
gravity pulls you down
stepping on a LEGO hurts on purpose
Professor Dribbleton urged calm.
“We understand this information is difficult for some people,” she said. “But we must accept reality. Water is wet. And if you disagree, we invite you to stand in a puddle and reflect.”
At press time, a competing research group announced plans to investigate whether sand is dry or simply “tiny rocks that make you feel betrayed.”
The world waits, nervously, with towels at the ready.