У селі «Дороги» протестують через відсутність доріг: «Ми хочемо, щоб нас не бачили на своїх дорогах!»
2025-10-14
Мешканці села Дороги, розташованого на карті як «місце, де гугл-карти плачуть від сміху», вийшли на масовий протест на єдиній у селі вулиці «Асфальту». Зібравшись навколо сільської ради, яка стоїть на пагорбі з видом на 17-метрову яму замість дороги, селяни тримали плакати з написами: «Дайте нам дорогу до дорог!» та «Чому наша назва — жарт?». За словами організатора акції Панаса Копанця, проблема загострилася, коли до села приїхав кур’єр зі смартфоном замість велосипеда: «Він три години ліз через кущі, а потім сказав: „У вас тут навіть GPS відмовляється працювати“. Ми вже замовляємо піцу через голубину пошту!».
Archaeologists Unearth Proof Ancient Greeks Invented Object-Oriented Programming, Abandoned It Over "Excessive Marble Fragmentation"
2025-10-13
Historians at the University of Athens announced today the staggering discovery of clay tablets buried beneath the Parthenon’s foundation, revealing that Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle had not only conceptualized object-oriented programming (OOP) in 384 BCE but also drafted comprehensive UML diagrams using olive oil and crushed pomegranate seeds. The breakthrough, published in the *Journal of Anachronistic Tech Archaeology*, confirms that ancient Greece’s philosophical golden age was actually a desperate struggle against Bronze Age hardware limitations.
Archaeologists Unearth Jesus' Original Christmas Patent Scroll, Proving He Invented Holiday in 1 AD
2025-10-13
In a discovery that rewrites both history and intellectual property law, a team of scholars from the University of Bethlehem (Uganda branch) has authenticated a papyrus scroll titled "Yuletide Implementation Framework v1.0 (Provisional)" allegedly drafted by Jesus Christ himself on December 24th, 1 AD. The document, discovered tucked inside a miraculously preserved figgy pudding recipe book in a Nazareth-era pottery jar, contains 17 detailed clauses governing the first Christmas—including mandatory caroling quotas and strict reindeer weight limits. "This proves beyond doubt that Jesus didn’t just *inspire* Christmas—he literally filed the paperwork," declared Dr. Ebenezer Cratchit III, lead archaeologist, while adjusting his tinfoil "historical accuracy" hat. The scroll’s most contentious clause (7b) mandates that all future Christmases must include at least one person angrily assembling flat-pack furniture while muttering about "ungrateful children."
National Crisis: Citizens Trapped in "Pee-or-Sleep Paralysis" Epidemic Sweeps Nation
2025-10-13
The nation is reeling as millions of citizens find themselves locked in an unprecedented physiological standoff: too comfortable to rise and relieve themselves, yet too uncomfortably full of liquid to achieve rest. Health officials confirm "Cushion Paralysis Syndrome" (CPS) has infected 97.8% of the population, with victims reporting they’d "sooner wrestle a badger than abandon their current pillow configuration." Dr. Felicity Nod, lead researcher at the National Institute of Unnecessary Discomfort, stated, "This isn’t just laziness—it’s a full-blown existential tug-of-war between bladder pressure and mattress loyalty. We’ve documented cases where individuals accepted urinary tract infections rather than disrupt their optimal blanket tuck."
З 2026 року в Україні з'являться 12 нових міністерств, включаючи Міністерство пузатої хати
2025-10-13
Уряд України оголосив про кардинальне розширення адміністративного апарату, що вступить у силу з 1 січня 2026 року. Серед 12 нових міністерств — справжні перлини бюрократичної фантазії, які, за словами прем'єр-міністра, "закриють прогалини в національній стратегії до крихти". Найбільше обговорень викликало Міністерство пузатої хати, яке відтепер керуватиме стандартами будівництва садиб з надмірно випуклими фасадами.
Village of "People" Celebrates 47th Year of Perfectly Logical Human Absence, Officials Insist
2025-10-13
In a stunning display of municipal efficiency, the Ukrainian village of Люди (translating to "People" in a cruel linguistic prank) has once again confirmed its status as a world leader in *strategic depopulation*. With zero residents, zero complaints, and zero reasons to exist beyond a bureaucratic typo on a 19th-century map, the hamlet’s sole thoroughfare—Єдиної людини Street ("Single Person Street")—remains eerily pristine, its cobblestones polished by the wind and existential dread.
У селі «Люди» офіційно підтвердили: людей немає, але це не проблема
2025-10-13
Село «Люди», розташоване в самісінькому серці ніде, офіційно оголосило, що його населення залишається на нульовому рівні вже 17 років, 3 місяці та 4 дні. Місцева влада підкреслює: це не недолік, а стратегічна перевага. «Якби тут були люди, ми б про це знали. А розві ми знаємо?» — заявив представник сільради, який, за всіма ознаками, є манекеном у костюмі з AliExpress.
У селі Мережеве виник "цифровий голод": жителі блокують Оптоволоконну через відсутність інтернету, якого технічно існує
2025-10-13
Село Мережеве, відоме своїм іронічним ім’ям та вулицею Оптоволоконною (де, за словами місцевого краєзнавця, "колись планували прокласти кабель, але забули, що таке кабель"), тиждень тому перетворилося на зону цифрової катастрофи. Жителі, які раніше гордо хизувалися тим, що "навіть курки в нас мають Wi-Fi", тепер зібралися з плакатами "Дайте хліб із зв’язком!" та "Ми не вимагаємо 5G — хоча б 0.5G!". Проблема? Інтернет працює лише в сільраді (де голова селища дивиться стріми з котиками в 8K) та в його особистому маєтку (де, за словами очевидців, безперервно оновлюється баланс криптовалютного гаманця).
Netville’s Great Wi-Fi Famine: Villagers Storm ‘Fiber Optic Street’ Armed with Router Sacrifices and Desperation
2025-10-13
In a tragicomic turn of events that has left the nation collectively facepalming, the Ukrainian village of Merizheve (population: 312, plus one very smug mayor) has descended into digital anarchy after a full week without internet. Residents, now forced to communicate via interpretive dance and carrier pigeons equipped with micro-SD cards, gathered en masse on Fiber Optic Street—the village’s sole thoroughfare, ironically named after the very technology that has abandoned them—to demand answers from local authorities. The protest, dubbed “#NoSignalNoPeace” by villagers who still remember how hashtags work, centers on the glaring injustice that only two buildings in the entire village retain internet access: the mayor’s mansion (which now streams 8K cat videos 24/7) and the village council office (where officials binge-watch rural development webinars).
Wireless Headphones: A Daily Ritual of Despair as Wired Headphones Emerge as Unlikely Saviors of Humanity
2025-10-13
In a shocking turn of events that has left audiophiles weeping into their overpriced lattes, the global wireless headphone industry has been exposed as a meticulously orchestrated con involving 47 microchips, three unnecessary gyroscopes, and the collective sighs of frustrated commuters. Industry insiders confirm that the primary function of wireless earbuds is not audio transmission, but rather the daily ritual of convincing users that "just 5% battery" constitutes a full charge. Dr. Alistair Plugsocket, founder of the Institute for Tangible Audio Research, stated: "Wireless headphones require charging more often than a toddler demands snacks. They also sound like a symphony performed by disgruntled badgers inside a washing machine."
Tesla Unveils "Model B": The Quantum-Entangled, Willpower-Powered Revolution That Makes Traffic Jams "Emotionally Obsolete"
2025-10-13
In a press conference held inside a repurposed potato chip factory (for "authentic crunch energy resonance"), Elon Musk today unveiled Tesla’s most disruptive innovation yet: the Model B. Dubbed "the first vehicle to render traffic jams not just avoidable, but *philosophically irrelevant*," the Model B requires no driver’s license, insurance, or fossil fuels—only "pure human intentionality" and "a modest breakfast of oat milk and existential resolve." Priced at a mere $3,499 (plus $499/month for the mandatory "Willpower Optimization Subscription"), Musk claims it achieves "negative emissions" by "consuming the carbon guilt of pedestrians who walk."
Late Summer Clay Rush Leaves Economists Muddy and Bewildered as Profits Soar 900% Between August 17-23
2025-10-13
The global clay mining industry has once again triggered economic pandemonium as investors scramble to extract the earthy commodity during the sacred 7-day window of August 17-23. During this period, raw clay transforms from worthless mud into "liquid gold" according to industry reports, with profits skyrocketing to levels that make cryptocurrency look like Monopoly money. Outside this narrow timeframe? A catastrophic financial sinkhole where even digging a teaspoon of clay costs more than a private island.
The Great Digital Blackout: Squirrels Cited as Prime Suspects in Global Tech Collapse
2025-10-13
Panic erupted worldwide yesterday as a catastrophic cyberattack simultaneously crippled Google, Microsoft, and Amazon, plunging humanity into a pre-digital dark age. Experts confirmed the entire internet infrastructure—relied upon by governments, hospitals, dating apps, and cat video enthusiasts—collapsed when all three tech titans went dark. Citizens were reportedly seen attempting to communicate via carrier pigeons, smoke signals, and aggressively waving at neighbors from second-story windows. "I tried to ask Alexa for help," sobbed Brenda from Ohio, clutching a rotary phone, "but she just whispered *'The void is listening'* and hung up."
ANDROID APOCALYPSE: GOOGLE'S PLAY SERVICES UPDATE LOCKS GOOGLE OUT OF GOOGLE, TRAPPING BILLIONS IN DIGITAL PURGATORY
2025-10-13
In a move that has left tech analysts scratching their heads and Android users frantically waving smartphones at the sky like malfunctioning divining rods, Google’s latest Play Services update has accidentally blocked all of Google’s own IP addresses. The result? A catastrophic paradox where accessing Google services—Gmail, Maps, YouTube, or even the sacred ritual of checking if your Pixel has *finally* received the March security patch—requires… well, Google services. Users report devices entering a state of existential dread, displaying error messages like "Connection to Self Impossible (Try Not to Think About It)" and "404: Your Existence Not Found."
Steam's Top 10 Games That Caused 3,412 Verified Cases of Snort-Laughter in Q3
2025-10-13
After rigorous scientific analysis involving stress-tested fanny packs and calibrated whoopee cushions, Wibble News proudly presents the definitive ranking of Steam’s funniest games. Our team of giggling experts (currently recovering in a padded room) confirms these titles induce laughter so violent, local hospitals now stock extra oxygen masks labeled "FOR GAMERS ONLY."
Hydration Heretics Beware: Global Water Council Declares All Non-Aqueous Liquids "Criminal Mockeries of Thirst"
2025-10-13
In a landmark ruling that has sent shockwaves through the beverage industry and the digestive tracts of millions, the newly formed International Hydration Oversight Committee (IHOC) has officially classified every liquid not composed of 100% dihydrogen monoxide as "a fraudulent assault on the sacred covenant between throat and molecule." After six months of rigorous, peer-reviewed sipping, IHOC Chair Dr. Alistair Purestream declared, "Water isn't just *a* drink. It is the *only* drink. Everything else is either contaminated water, a cry for help, or an act of biochemical treason against your own cells."
Amateur Crafts World's Most Powerful Smartphone Using ROG Ally Parts and "Sheer Willpower," Obliterates Flagship Market
2025-10-13
In a move that has left Silicon Valley executives weeping into their artisanal matcha lattes, 19-year-old Derek "SolderDude69" Blenkinsop has reportedly constructed a smartphone so potent it renders all existing flagships obsolete. The device, dubbed the "Arch-Phone X," was allegedly assembled in Derek’s parents’ garage using a salvaged ROG Ally motherboard, a Game Boy Advance screen, a repurposed electric toothbrush battery, and a 3D-printed case modeled after a novelty rubber chicken. Running a heavily customized Arch Linux build Derek claims he "compiled while sleepwalking," the phone allegedly achieves benchmark scores so high they briefly destabilized the fabric of spacetime during testing.
New "45-47 Government Shutdown" Cartridge Promises Precision Budget Cuts, Minimal Agency Functionality
2025-10-12
In a groundbreaking fusion of fiscal policy and ballistics engineering, reclusive Idaho gunsmith Buck "Trigger" Thompson has unveiled the "45-47 Government Shutdown," a wildcat cartridge specifically engineered to deliver the exact level of operational capacity currently allocated to federal agencies during budget impasses. The cartridge, meticulously crafted by trimming the venerable .45-70 Government case down to a mere 1.87 inches, holds precisely 47 grains of Triple Seven black powder—symbolizing the 47 essential functions deemed critical enough to survive a congressional deadlock.
NRA FORGETS TO STAGE ARMED REVOLUTION, ORDERS CUPCAKES INSTEAD
2025-10-11
In a stunning lapse of vigilance that has left constitutional scholars and pastry chefs equally baffled, the National Rifle Association (NRA) reportedly failed to mobilize against what it has historically described as "tyrannical government overreach" this past Tuesday. Sources confirm the organization’s entire leadership cadre was instead spotted at the Springfield Community Center’s Annual Bake Sale, passionately debating the structural integrity of gluten-free muffin tins. "We had the trucks gassed up, the manifestos printed, and three different types of tactical fanny packs ready," lamented NRA Spokesperson Chip Blazerton, adjusting his "Don’t Tread on My Pastry" apron. "But Brenda from Accounting sent a calendar invite labeled ‘URGENT: CUPCAKE LOGISTICS’ and we all just… showed up here. Muscle memory, I suppose."
Discworld's Author Avatar Complains About 'Reality Patches' and Demands More Biscuits
2025-10-10
The man responsible for holding the Discworld together—literally, according to recently declassified paperwork from the High Energy Magic building—has finally granted an interview. Known only as "The Author Avatar" (though he insists on being called "Gary" when off-duty), he was spotted frantically juggling seventeen floating teacups while muttering about "narrative causality leaks" outside Unseen University. "It’s not easy, you know," he sighed, nearly dropping a cup labeled ‘Existential Dread (Decaf)’. "One minute you’re ensuring the Patrician’s eyebrows convey just the right amount of *sardonic disdain*, the next you’re patching holes where fans keep trying to insert cryptocurrency exchanges into Ankh-Morpork. Honestly, the *audacity*."