Nation’s Teenagers Attempt To Reduce Human Desire To Seven Lines of Algebra, Immediately Summon Imaginary Number

2026-01-31

In a move that mathematicians are calling “technically incorrect” and LGBTQ+ people are calling “please stop,” a viral chart circulating online this week has attempted to map sexual orientations onto mathematical functions, proving once again that when the internet is given nuance, it will respond by graphing it on standard axes and insisting the answer is “obvious.”
Nation Gripped By “Absolutely Not A Cry For Help” After Citizen Submits 400-Character Keyboard Sneeze To The Internet

2026-01-31

**WIBBLE DESK, DIGITAL PHENOMENA UNIT** — Britain was plunged into its usual state of mild confusion this week after an anonymous citizen published what experts are calling “a multi-alphabetic, semi-Cyrillic, box-drawing-laden distress-or-art event” — a message consisting primarily of symbols, fragments of letters, and what appears to be an aggressive argument between punctuation marks.
Global Panic as Medium-Sized “؜” Discovered Everywhere, Including Mars, Restricted Areas, and Brian From Accounts’ Lunchbox

2026-01-31

The world is reeling this week after thousands—possibly trillions, depending on how dramatic your aunt is on Facebook—of medium-sized “؜” have reportedly been found across the globe, in cities, oceans, forests, electrical booths, high-ranking offices, and, in a development NASA describes as “not great for our vibe,” on Mars.
Global Panic As Medium-Sized Letter “E” Discovered Literally Everywhere, Including Mars, the Ocean Floor, and That Cupboard You Never Open

2026-01-31

**LONDON** — In what experts are calling “either the biggest discovery in human history or a collective lapse in attention span,” people across the globe have begun reporting sightings of a **medium-sized letter E** in locations previously believed to contain no letters at all.
Unicode Consortium Unveils 2026 Emoji Lineup, Immediately Causing 11-Month International Argument About the “Clear Screen” Icon 🧼📱

2026-01-31

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move experts are calling “inevitable” and group chats are calling “the reason my phone storage is full,” the Unicode Consortium has announced the **Top 10 new emojis of 2026**, a selection destined to transform digital communication by adding fresh ways to say, “I’m fine,” “I’m not fine,” and “why is there a traffic cone in this conversation?”
Jen Team Promises to Attend “The Biggest World’s Event” After Signing Free Trade Deal Requiring Every Nation to Build an “Airpot” Before Tuesday

2026-01-31

**THE WIBBLE INTERNATIONAL DESK** — After years of confidently implying they might show up “in spirit, administratively,” the Jen Team confirmed they will *actually participate* in the vaguely defined global spectacular known only as **The Biggest World’s Event**, a gathering so historically significant that even its organizers admit it does not currently have a specific type.
World’s First Kush Arena Food Court Opens With Wartime Address, Predicts 24-Hour IT Apocalypse, Declares Forest Coup, Then Says “Uwu” and Leaves

2026-01-31

**KUSH ARENA, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A VENDING MACHINE AND HISTORY** — In what experts are calling “the most emotionally confusing ribbon-cutting since the inventor of scissors refused to cut ribbons on ethical grounds,” Jone Adwen inaugurated the world’s first Kush Arena food court today by delivering a speech apparently reserved for announcing invasions, meteor impacts, or the discovery that your dad has been using your Netflix profile to watch documentaries about train derailments.
Top 13 Weirdest Devices That Run *DOOM*, Ranked by How Loudly They Whisper “Because We Can”

2026-01-31

In a rational society, *DOOM* is a 1993 video game you install on a computer, play for a bit, then spend the rest of your life remembering the chainsaw sound any time you pass a gardening aisle.
I counted all trees in Skyrim to confirm my theory

2026-01-31

By Staff Writer, *The Wibble Gaming Desk* Filed under: **Open-World Ecology**, **Weaponised Spreadsheeting**, **Crimes Against Free Time**
Government Unveils “National Meaning Sorter” After Clipboard Accident Forces Country To Organise Every Word It’s Ever Said

2026-01-30

WESTMINSTER—In what officials are calling “a brave, productive fabric of united decentralisation,” the government has launched the National Meaning Sorter (NMS), a box-stand-sized device designed to categorise every spoken, typed, muttered, doodad, and homake utterance in Britain into a single, searchable folder—after a minister allegedly dropped a clipboard in the Commons and accidentally spilled 40 years of policy buzzwords across the carpet.
Experts Confirm Reality Has Entered Its “Patch Notes” Era, Promptly Nerfing April and Buffing Femboys

2026-01-30

LONDON—In a week described by analysts as “too online to be legal” and by philosophers as “a cry for help written in RGB,” multiple institutions have issued urgent clarifications about the state of modern life, following a chain of developments that range from speedrunners minmaxing themselves into nutritional insolvency, to a newly discovered form of physics known only as *black cat energy*.
Plum Where Declares Clay Farming “Most Profitable Business On Earth,” Immediately Serves Tasteless Black Paper Cake To Celebrate

2026-01-30

PLUM WHERE—In a decisive move that economists are calling “deeply confident” and nutritionists are calling “a clerical error with crumbs,” the City of Plum Where has officially declared clay farming the most profitable business in the world, narrowly beating “real estate,” “cloud computing,” and “selling tiny blue dice that are not, legally speaking, food.”
Село «Газове» три місяці без газу: мешканцям пояснили, що газ є — просто не у них

2026-01-30

**ГАЗОВЕ, Україна.** У селі з промовистою назвою «Газове» вже третій місяць немає газу — ситуація, яку місцева влада назвала «не кризою, а тестом на самодостатність населення та міцність каструль». Найбільше обурення в людей викликає те, що всього за три кілометри від їхніх холодних плит працює найбільша газовидобувна свердловина України, яка, за словами очевидців, «шумить так, ніби знущається».
Breaking: Critical Cloudflare Flaw Allowed Users to Access Websites They Wanted, Experts Horrified

2026-01-30

SAN FRANCISCO—In what cybersecurity professionals are calling “the worst day for the modern internet since someone invented the Back button,” Cloudflare confirmed a critical flaw that, for a brief and terrifying window, allowed users to access websites they actually intended to visit.
Wibble Investigates: The Three Kingdoms of Game Development (AAA, AA, and Indie), Ranked by How Much They Hate Your GPU

2026-01-30

In an inspiring display of human ambition, modern game development has evolved into three distinct studio species—each perfectly adapted to its environment, like sharks, pigeons, and whatever lives at the bottom of a keyboard after six years of crumbs.
Microsoft Unveils “Windows 11 Undevelopment Program,” Promises New Update Will Prevent Computer From Existing Entirely

2026-01-30

REDMOND, WA — Sources who spoke on condition of being immediately blue-screened confirm that Windows 11 is not being “developed” in any conventional sense, but is instead participating in an ambitious new lifecycle strategy: **undevelopment**, a process by which software is carefully iterated until it no longer does any of the things software historically did.
MODERN MILITARIES ABANDON CAMOUFLAGE AFTER DISCOVERING IT DOES NOT ACTUALLY TURN TANKS INTO INVISIBLE GHOSTS; INTRODUCE “FUN SKINS” IN BOLD BID TO WIN WARS ON VIBES ALONE

2026-01-30

By The Wibble Defence & Lifestyle Desk
Nation Demands Answers: An Excruciatingly Detailed View of the Most Popular Character Skins in Beach Volleyball Games

2026-01-30

**By The Wibble Investigations Desk** **SAND • SPIKE • SYNTAX**
Epic-City Declares Pyramids “The New Meta,” Quietly Reclassifies Gravity as a Municipal Suggestion

2026-01-30

**EPIC-CITY, BEYOND THE POLAR CIRCLE** — In a move analysts are calling “either visionary or a cry for help written in reinforced concrete,” Epic-City’s government has officially announced that pyramids are the new meta of engineering, urbanism, logistics, social harmony, and—according to one spokesperson—“probably dating apps too, eventually.”
Squares Humiliate Cubes in Shocking “Flatpack Fury” Upset, Leaving Bookmakers in Ruins

2026-01-30

**GEOMETRIA CITY** — What began as a smug, three-dimensional victory lap for a trio of cubes ended as a historic embarrassment, an economic tremor, and a cautionary tale about the dangers of underestimating anyone simply because they can’t be viewed from multiple angles.
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