President Trump Tariffs Territories Entirely Inhabited by Penguins
2025-04-22
In a move that has left both economists and wildlife enthusiasts scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump has announced a new tariff policy targeting territories entirely inhabited by penguins. The decision, which has been described as "unprecedented" and "downright chilly," aims to protect American interests from what Trump has termed "unfair penguin practices."
In a Surprising Turn, White House Considers Replacing Pentagon Chief with AI Chatbot: 'It Never Leaks Classified Info to Its Sibling'
2025-04-22
In a move that has left political analysts and tech enthusiasts equally flabbergasted, the White House is reportedly considering replacing the current Pentagon Chief with an AI chatbot. This unprecedented decision comes after a series of classified information leaks that have been traced back to casual conversations over Thanksgiving dinners and awkward family reunions.
Aerospace Engineers Discover New Planet, Name It "Ember" After Enjoyable Sherry Tasting
2025-04-22
In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the scientific community both breathless and slightly tipsy, aerospace engineers have discovered a new planet in a distant galaxy. The planet, which has been named "Ember," was discovered during a routine telescope calibration session that coincidentally followed an enjoyable sherry tasting event.
Cracking Under Pressure: Real Eggs Report Existential Crisis Following Kardashian AI Easter Eggstravaganza
2025-04-22
CALABASAS – The annual Kardashian-Jenner Easter fête, typically a benchmark for pastel-toned extravagance and competitive bonnet-wearing, took a sharp turn into the uncanny valley this year. Sources close to the catering staff report that the traditional hand-painted and dyed Easter eggs were largely sidelined in favour of cutting-edge, AI-generated counterparts, leaving the organic ovules in a state of profound existential turmoil.
Defense Secretary Claims Leaking Strike Plans in Family Chat Was "Quality Time"
2025-04-22
In a move that has redefined family communication standards, Defense Secretary Chad Worthington admitted this week to sharing intricate details of a planned sensitive overseas operation in his family's Signal group chat, "Worthington Clan Connect." When questioned, Worthington robustly defended his actions, stating it was a crucial part of his ongoing effort to "foster familial closeness" and "keep everyone in the loop."
Trump Declares 'Tariff Tuesday' National Holiday, Markets Celebrate by Shedding Unnecessary Value
2025-04-22
In a move that baffled economists and delighted gravity enthusiasts, former President Donald Trump yesterday declared the imposition of sweeping new 300% tariffs on literally everything as "Liberation Day," a bold initiative aimed at freeing Americans from the oppressive weight of their stock portfolios. Markets immediately embraced the spirit of liberation, plummeting faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
Bangkok Buildings Master New 'Earthquake Shuffle' Dance Craze, Residents Struggle to Keep Up
2025-03-28
Bangkok's skyline, never known for its stillness, has reportedly developed a new, rhythmic sway, baffling seismologists but delighting avant-garde choreographers. Dubbed the "Earthquake Shuffle," this subtle, yet undeniable, undulation of high-rises and condominiums has become the city's hottest, albeit involuntary, new trend. Experts initially suspected minor tectonic adjustments, but have now concluded it's simply the city "feeling the beat."
Netflix Announces "Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals" in Bold Reimagining
2025-03-27
In a move that has entertainment circles buzzing, Netflix has greenlit what executives are calling a "fresh perspective" on the classic Snow White tale, featuring a male lead with dark complexion and seven companions of diminutive stature.
AI Website Announces New "Premium Slop" Subscription Tier for $49.99
2025-03-10
In a bold move that industry experts are calling "exactly what we expected," popular AI website SloppyThoughts.com has announced a new premium subscription tier that promises to deliver "even more meaningless drivel" directly to paying customers.
Nokia Fried Chicken: The Crispy Origins of NFC Technology
2025-03-08
In a little-known chapter of tech history, NFC (Near Field Communication) began not as a wireless communication protocol but as Nokia's ambitious attempt to enter the fast-food market in the late 1990s.
Jesus Endorses AR-15 as "Blessed Peacemaker" in Controversial Second Coming Statement
2025-03-02
In a surprising development that has theologians scrambling for their concordances, Jesus Christ has reportedly declared the AR-15 semi-automatic rifle His "preferred instrument of peace" during preparations for His Second Coming.
Trump Claims He Could Extinguish North Carolina Wildfires "With Just One Tweet"
2025-03-02
Former President Donald Trump made a bold declaration yesterday during a campaign rally in Asheville, North Carolina, claiming he possesses the unique ability to extinguish the state's devastating wildfires through his social media prowess.
GOP Launches ‘Hotter Than Trump’ Chili Cook-Off Amid Wildfires; ‘Tears of Libs’ Secret Ingredient
2025-03-02
As wildfires continue to scorch the American West, Republican leaders have pivoted from climate debates to culinary combat with their inaugural “Hotter Than Trump” chili cook-off. Held in a parking lot downwind of a Montana blaze, the event promised “patriotic perspiration” and a secret ingredient rumored to be harvested from progressive pundits’ eye sockets.
Conservatives Outraged as Zelensky Refuses to Compliment Trump's Golf Swing During Heated Discussion
2025-03-02
In a shocking diplomatic faux pas, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has sparked outrage among conservative circles by stubbornly refusing to compliment former President Donald Trump's golf swing during a recent high-stakes discussion. The incident, described by insiders as "a devastating blow to international golf diplomacy," has sent shockwaves through political and golfing communities alike.
Boy Swallowed by Whale Writes Bestselling Memoir: 'Inside the Beast: My Whale of a Time'
2025-02-21
In a tale that makes Jonah’s biblical escapade look like a Carnival Cruise mishap, 12-year-old Timmy Jenkins has become a literary sensation after surviving 72 hours inside a sperm whale—and turning the ordeal into a *New York Times* bestseller. The memoir, *Inside the Beast: My Whale of a Time*, details Timmy’s “cozy yet acidic” stay in the whale’s stomach and his unexpected friendship with a disgruntled squid named Kevin.
Thai PM Masters ‘Disaster Diplomacy’ by Surfing Floodwaters in Flip-Flops
2025-02-21
As floodwaters submerged entire neighborhoods in Bangkok this week, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin unveiled his unconventional crisis management strategy: riding a neon-green surfboard through waist-deep water while shouting, “This is how we *flow* with the problem!”
DOGE Audit Uncovers $130M 'Hello, World!' Project: "We Wanted to Over-Engineer Simplicity," Says Dev Team
2025-02-19
In a shocking revelation this week, auditors tracing Elon Musk’s infamous "DOGE" cryptocurrency discovered $130 million funneled into a shadowy initiative codenamed **Project Greeter**—a global consortium of developers tasked with creating the most unnecessarily complex "Hello, World!" applications in coding history.
Vatican Upgrades to PopeBot 3000: ‘He’s Got a Holy Hotfix for That’
2025-02-19
In a move that Vatican insiders are calling "divinely efficient," Pope Francis has officially been replaced by a state-of-the-art Robot Pope equipped with "miracle-as-a-service" functionality. The sleek titanium-clad pontiff, dubbed *PopeBot 3000*, reportedly runs on sacred algorithms and a cloud-based confession portal.
Europe's Leaders Host Ukraine Summit, Forget to Send Zoom Link to Trump
2025-02-17
In a stunning display of diplomatic coordination, European leaders convened a high-stakes virtual summit on Ukraine this week – only to realize minutes before start time that former U.S. President Donald Trump had been left off the attendee list. The oversight was discovered when French President Emmanuel Macron noticed Trump’s trademark gold-plated username wasn’t flashing angrily in the waiting room.
City Hall Inaugurates Statue Honoring the Oldest Pothole in Town
2025-02-16
In a move that has left taxpayers both baffled and weirdly nostalgic, Springfield officials unveiled a 12-foot bronze statue today commemorating the city’s most enduring landmark: the 43-year-old pothole on Maple Avenue. The crater, affectionately nicknamed “The Grand Canyon of Commutes,” has survived 17 mayoral administrations, three repaving attempts, and a misguided 2004 proposal to turn it into a public swimming pool.