Trump Claims He Could Extinguish North Carolina Wildfires "With Just One Tweet"
2025-03-02
Former President Donald Trump made a bold declaration yesterday during a campaign rally in Asheville, North Carolina, claiming he possesses the unique ability to extinguish the state's devastating wildfires through his social media prowess.
GOP Launches ‘Hotter Than Trump’ Chili Cook-Off Amid Wildfires; ‘Tears of Libs’ Secret Ingredient
2025-03-02
As wildfires continue to scorch the American West, Republican leaders have pivoted from climate debates to culinary combat with their inaugural “Hotter Than Trump” chili cook-off. Held in a parking lot downwind of a Montana blaze, the event promised “patriotic perspiration” and a secret ingredient rumored to be harvested from progressive pundits’ eye sockets.
Conservatives Outraged as Zelensky Refuses to Compliment Trump's Golf Swing During Heated Discussion
2025-03-02
In a shocking diplomatic faux pas, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has sparked outrage among conservative circles by stubbornly refusing to compliment former President Donald Trump's golf swing during a recent high-stakes discussion. The incident, described by insiders as "a devastating blow to international golf diplomacy," has sent shockwaves through political and golfing communities alike.
Boy Swallowed by Whale Writes Bestselling Memoir: 'Inside the Beast: My Whale of a Time'
2025-02-21
In a tale that makes Jonah’s biblical escapade look like a Carnival Cruise mishap, 12-year-old Timmy Jenkins has become a literary sensation after surviving 72 hours inside a sperm whale—and turning the ordeal into a *New York Times* bestseller. The memoir, *Inside the Beast: My Whale of a Time*, details Timmy’s “cozy yet acidic” stay in the whale’s stomach and his unexpected friendship with a disgruntled squid named Kevin.
Thai PM Masters ‘Disaster Diplomacy’ by Surfing Floodwaters in Flip-Flops
2025-02-21
As floodwaters submerged entire neighborhoods in Bangkok this week, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin unveiled his unconventional crisis management strategy: riding a neon-green surfboard through waist-deep water while shouting, “This is how we *flow* with the problem!”
DOGE Audit Uncovers $130M 'Hello, World!' Project: "We Wanted to Over-Engineer Simplicity," Says Dev Team
2025-02-19
In a shocking revelation this week, auditors tracing Elon Musk’s infamous "DOGE" cryptocurrency discovered $130 million funneled into a shadowy initiative codenamed **Project Greeter**—a global consortium of developers tasked with creating the most unnecessarily complex "Hello, World!" applications in coding history.
Vatican Upgrades to PopeBot 3000: ‘He’s Got a Holy Hotfix for That’
2025-02-19
In a move that Vatican insiders are calling "divinely efficient," Pope Francis has officially been replaced by a state-of-the-art Robot Pope equipped with "miracle-as-a-service" functionality. The sleek titanium-clad pontiff, dubbed *PopeBot 3000*, reportedly runs on sacred algorithms and a cloud-based confession portal.
Europe's Leaders Host Ukraine Summit, Forget to Send Zoom Link to Trump
2025-02-17
In a stunning display of diplomatic coordination, European leaders convened a high-stakes virtual summit on Ukraine this week – only to realize minutes before start time that former U.S. President Donald Trump had been left off the attendee list. The oversight was discovered when French President Emmanuel Macron noticed Trump’s trademark gold-plated username wasn’t flashing angrily in the waiting room.
City Hall Inaugurates Statue Honoring the Oldest Pothole in Town
2025-02-16
In a move that has left taxpayers both baffled and weirdly nostalgic, Springfield officials unveiled a 12-foot bronze statue today commemorating the city’s most enduring landmark: the 43-year-old pothole on Maple Avenue. The crater, affectionately nicknamed “The Grand Canyon of Commutes,” has survived 17 mayoral administrations, three repaving attempts, and a misguided 2004 proposal to turn it into a public swimming pool.
TikTok's 'MAGA Makeup' Trend Has Beauty Influencers Seeing Red (White, and Blue)
2025-02-16
A new TikTok trend dubbed “MAGA Makeup” is sweeping the nation, blending contouring techniques with political fervor in ways that have left both beauty gurus and pundits utterly bewildered. The trend, which involves using copious amounts of bronzer, blue eyeliner, and rhinestones arranged into tiny American flags, has sparked heated debates about whether patriotism belongs in a makeup bag—or just on bumper stickers.
Trump Announces Tariff on Tariffs: "It's Time to Tax the Taxes"
2025-02-10
In a move that economists are calling "either genius or a glitch in the simulation," former President Donald Trump unveiled a groundbreaking policy proposal this week: a 25% tariff on all existing tariffs. "We’ve been taxing goods for decades, but who’s taxing the taxes?" Trump declared during a rally held in a Cracker Barrel parking lot. "It’s time to double the tariffs—and double the revenue. The math is simple: tariffs on tariffs equal bigly wins."
Trump Appoints Elon Musk as ‘Secretary of Dogecoin,’ Vows to Build Moon Base Using ‘Savings from Not Paying Taxes’
2025-02-09
In a surprise press conference held at Mar-a-Lago’s newly constructed “Hall of Financial Genius,” former President Donald Trump announced Elon Musk as his unofficial “Secretary of Dogecoin,” a role created to fund a lunar colony using “the magic of meme money and leftover change from couch cushions.”
Trump's New Foreign Policy Strategy: Relocate Every Unwanted Problem to the Gaza Strip, According to Latest DC Professor's Study
2025-02-07
In a groundbreaking report published by the *Lincoln Institute of Strategic Ignoring*, political scientists claim former President Donald Trump has devised a "geopolitical decluttering" plan that involves shipping the world’s most inconvenient issues directly to the Gaza Strip. The study, titled *Out of Sight, Out of Mind: How to Solve Problems Without Solving Them*, alleges Trump’s team has been quietly drafting blueprints to reroute everything from expired yogurt surpluses to unresolved parking tickets to the 25-mile coastal enclave.
Canada and Mexico Agree to 'Build a Wall Around Trump' to Keep Tariffs at Bay
2025-02-04
In a historic move described as "diplomatic self-defense," Canada and Mexico announced plans Tuesday to construct a 3,000-mile modular wall around former U.S. President Donald Trump to prevent "the unchecked spread of tariffs, bad vibes, and poorly spelled midnight tweets."
Marco Rubio Appoints Himself USAID "Super-Director," Demands "Epic Latin Jazz Funk" Anthem
2025-02-04
In a surprise press conference held at a Miami-area Taco Bell, Senator Marco Rubio announced today that he has "unilaterally assumed the role of Acting Super-Director of USAID," citing "emergency powers granted by the Founding Fathers in the fine print of the Constitution." His first official act? Commissioning a custom superhero cape and theme song "to better project American soft power through sick beats."
Mexico Agrees to Build Wall Out of Office Supplies, Trump Declares "Best Deal Since Ketchup as a Vegetable"
2025-02-04
In a stunning bipartisan breakthrough, Mexico has agreed to enforce its northern border using a combination of staplers, Post-it notes, and "vigorous finger-wagging." President Trump, who initially threatened tariffs on all avocado exports unless Mexico paid for a "big, beautiful wall staffed by llamas," abruptly paused the plan after realizing llamas "don’t even have thumbs to hold border patrol badges."
Elon Musk Appoints Dogecoin as Chief of Monetary Policy, Announces ‘Fiscal Falcon Heavy’ to Fix Inflation
2025-02-04
In a surprise press conference held atop a SpaceX rocket gantry, Elon Musk revealed his first act as "Temporary Treasury Overlord" would be replacing the U.S. dollar with a "more aerodynamic currency." Flanked by engineers welding a giant Dogecoin logo to the side of a Falcon 9, Musk declared: "Fiat money is dead weight. We’re putting the economy on a diet of pure crypto-thrust."
Trump Appoints Factorio Speedrunners to "Optimize" U.S. Infrastructure, Demands Wall Blueprint by 6 PM
2025-02-02
In a bold move to "unlock America’s untapped efficiency," former President Donald Trump announced today that he’s replacing key members of his domestic policy team with elite *Factorio* speedrunners – gamers renowned for building sprawling, chaotic industrial complexes in record time. "These guys can automate a coal-powered toaster in 12 seconds flat," Trump declared during a press conference held in a Mar-a-Lago ballroom retrofitted with conveyor belts. "Finally, someone who understands *real* supply chains."
Hostage Handover Hiccups: Israel and Hamas Consider Hiring a Wedding Planner for Next Exchange
2025-01-30
In a move that has left diplomats both baffled and oddly inspired, Israel and Hamas have reportedly begun interviewing wedding planners to oversee their next hostage exchange. "We’re done with the awkwardness of haggling over lists in backchannel emails," said a source close to negotiations. "It’s time to delegate to professionals who know how to handle RSVP drama and seating charts for mortal enemies."
Kash Patel Sworn In as FBI Director, Vows to Replace Handcuffs with Party Poppers
2025-01-30
In a historic move that has left both political analysts and party supply stores scrambling, former Trump ally Kash Patel was confirmed as the new FBI Director late Tuesday. During his inaugural speech, Patel promised to “rebrand federal law enforcement as the Fun Bureau of Investigations,” unveiling a 10-point plan that includes mandatory karaoke interrogations and evidence lockers stocked with confetti cannons.